StacyCat’s World of Thought

Girls should say no to sex. Why is this a common theme in sex education, and at the world at large?

Two studies came across my feed reader today, both about the same study. A researcher interviewed 68 girls aged between 14 and 19. Shocker of shocks, the girls said they regretted their first time! The researcher criticized sex educators for not telling girls to say no.

The article at Salon.com takes the viewpoint that girls are pressured into saying yes to sex, to keep their male partners, or because they are coerced, etc. The article says that it can be difficult to see the difference in actual regret vs the societal norms against girls having sex. It ends with a great statement: “Would a girl feel quite as disappointed by her early sexual experience if it was seen as a triumph instead of a moral failure?”

Australian Broadcasting Company also takes an interesting perspective. It says that the teens in the study knew all the risks of sex and how to use safer sex and pregnancy prevention. However, the study author (Dr Rachel Skinner from Sydney University), critisizes sex education for not teaching teenagers the actual skills one would need to say no (or to say yes). Teenagers should be educated on negotiation and communication skills.

Still, the patriarchy comes accross in a quote from the author. She states, “but it’s obvious that many of the teenagers, girls, were not able to make their own decision…They weren’t actively making… following what they wanted to do. They were being influenced from outside, and they regretted their decisions afterwards. ”

I think this is the overlooked part, and the first article hinted at it. Girls are taught to “just say no,” they are filled with scare tactics about having sex too early, they are taught that sex is scary and can kill you or ruin your life. however, girls are never really taught when it is okay to say “yes.” If we can empower girls to think about how and when and what scenario they could say “yes,’ then their ability to say no to the wrong situation (for them) would be greatly increased.

There is an interesting idea that goes along teaching about safer sex.

On one hand, we have the scare tactics. Always use condoms. condoms are the only way to prevent pregnancy, and they prevent STIs, because your partner could be cheating on you and giving you HIV so you should not ever trust them.

On the other is comprehensive education, (which even comprehensive sex education programs miss a good part of the education.) condoms are effective X percent of the time for pregnancy, and some unknown effective rate for STIs. You should get tested because you take responsibility for your own health.

Salon posted a great article based on a new editorial in Contraception. The editorial posits that the withdrawal method has a similar effectiveness rate against Pregnancy as condoms do.

This will almost assuredly not be taught in comprehensive sex education classes. The Harm Reduction model typically only steps in once the harmful behaviors have begun. Just as the idea that condoms are Very highly effective against HIV transmission will not lead to the idea that it is okay to have sex with HIV positive people. Sex education, even among a lot of sex positive individuals, views these ideas in the harm reduction model, in the “You really should not do it, but here is how to do it more safely.”

Becky Knight at Living Sexuality posted a review of the AASECT presentation on how sex education is presented to teenagers. She states: “Even sex-positive sources often refer to sex with words like: “risk,” “threat,” “consequences,” “protect from,” “avoid,” “arm with information,” etc.”

Sex is presented to teenagers as inherently dangerous. That they must protect themselves against sex itself. Sex is risky, you can die, you can get pregnant, you can hurt yourself.

I would be interested to see a Relationships model of sex education. Sex is not just about penis in vagina intercourse, nor is it just about what you do with your genitals/mouths/hands etc. Sex is about the relationship that you have with the other person. Safer sex should be about joint decisions in which each person decides what is best for them, and then negotiates with their partner. Safer sex decisions should be about what is best for themselves, their partner, and the relationship.

If a couple decides that pregnancy would be the worst thing in the world, they can make their safer sex decisions based on that. If the couple thinks that STIs are the most damaging, they can make decisions based on that. If the relationship decides that being able to be open about their desires and sexual relationships with other people is important, they can discuss that.

The point is not just to simply educate accurately the statistics and the prevention strategies of the pregnancy and STI prevention topics. The point should be about the education and the discussions and negotiations and the relationships.

My whole reason for thinking that sex positivity will change the world is in this point: If we can communicate our sexual desires and negotiate with our sexual partners, our non sexual relationships and negotiations will be much easier.